But here are the Coping Mechanisms and Techniques that we developed before finding NPD, and have adapted from the resources listed on the homepage.
1. Control Your Emotions at All Times. Emotions are a Narc's greatest tools for manipulating and hypnotizing a Normal. This is NOT an easy task, but it is the single most important tool you must develop when dealing with a Narc.
A.One way to control your emotions is to Change the Way you see the Narc. We have chosen to see them as Handicapped Children or Emotionally Retarded individuals. They simply do not have the capacity to behave properly. They do not think like the rest of us; they are not wired the same. We tell folks that Pity is one way of learning to control your emotions around them: would you get angry at a 6 year old child for the behavior your Narc Boss just did? Would you feel resentment towards a mentally challenged person for stealing your idea? No. Pity helps you to redefine the Narc, and provides an easier means of developing the autonomic responses to a Narc's Manipulation.
B. Another way of controlling your emotions is to train yourself to STOP! and think, when you get angry. Again, this difficult to do, but very effective when interacting with a Narc.
C. Psycho-Cybernetics by Dr. Max Maltz provides all the tools you will need to Reprogram your brain to create autonomic responses with Narcs- that will allow you to leave with your self esteem and integrity intact. This is another book that we cannot emphasize enough to purchase and read.
Dr. Bernstein's Book 'Emotional Vampires,' and Dr. Maltz's book 'Psycho-Cybernetics,' provide the One-Two punch for learning to recognize manipulations and how to program your brain to react better.
2. Be very cautious in your conversations... unfortunately, you will need to be On Guard at all times.
A. Keep the number of words in your conversations, & responses to a minimum. The more words you speak, the more ropes you give a Narc to hang you with.
B. Keep your Concepts Simple. Again, the simpler the request, statement, boundary, the fewer loopholes you give them to use against you. Eliminate the If's Ands Buts.
C. Stick to the Facts; leave the emotions out of it. Facts are much harder for a Narc to DList, and help to Keep You in Control of yourself.
D. YOU CANNOT OUT NARC A NARC, DON'T EVEN TRY. Normals cannot use a Narc's DList against them. We are ill-equipped to play Their Game, since they ReWrite the rules in every engagement. We have to think and strategize to use their DList; they do it automatically.
3. Establish Boundaries. For the Narcs in our lives, they have never been able to learn how to be a compassionate, caring, considerate humans, but they have learned Boundaries... at work, in their hobbies and activities, rules in the sports they play.
Boundaries can be very effective, but you must keep them to a minimum and they must be really important to you... or the Narc will manipulate you out of your Boundary.
We spent Christmas and Thanksgiving with you last year. So, Narc Mother In Law, this year we are splitting our time between our families.
But you spent Father's day and Easter and the Fourth of July and every birthday with your family, I don't see how this is fair!
And how is it Fair, that MY family didn't get to see us at Thanksgiving or Christmas last year.
Well, because they get to see you all year long!
That's because they don't mind coming here to visit.
From now on, we'll split the holidays between our families: Thanksgiving with One Family and Christmas with the other. We'll be spending Christmas with my family this year, so we'll spend Thanksgiving with you.
So, you're telling me that I'll never spend Christmas with my grandchildren ever again!
No, we'll switch out each year. We'll spend Christmas with you next year.
But I won't have anyone here for Christmas! I will be all alone!
(this conversation would stretch on for over an hour, so keep the boundaries simple, repeat your self often, or the Narc will wear you down with their tenacity and obsessive need to win the argument.)
Where is (insert bi-weekly chore)? Why haven't you done this?
Ms. Narc Employee, I did that chore to help you out a couple of times, but that chore is in your job description, and you've been getting paid for the work I've done.
You can't just dump this on me at the last minute! (the deadline is a week away) I can't get all my work done and this chore! Can't you do it one more time for me, maybe squeeze it in later this week?
No, I will not do this for you any more. I have my own work to do, and right now, I'm going to get back to my work. Unless you want to continue this conversation with our supervisor, step back and let me get back to work.
I need you to stay and finish this paper work tonight.
Mr. Narc Boss, I can't stay late tonight. (Since I haven't been getting paid for any of the extra work you've 'defalcated' from me over the entire time I've worked there.)
What about tomorrow night?
No, sir, I cannot stay late anymore.
4. Offer a Narc a choice of actions: One you want and One they will hate.
This is a technique used by teachers who work with emotionally scarred and handicapped children. Yes, since Narcs think much like an Emotionally Handicapped Child, the technique does have some level of success.
For the conversations above, you could add to them.
For the Mother in Law at Christmas Scenario....
You are more than welcome to join us here, and share Christmas with my family. We've spoken to your other children and they all would be glad to have you at their homes.
I would never intrude on someone else's celebrations; I would be a fifth wheel at someone else's home. (i wouldn't be the center of attention)
Oh, we've all agreed that you would be welcomed here at Christmas.
I just wouldn't feel right, intruding like that. (i couldn't control the festivities)
You've been offered several invitations, but it is your choice: spend Christmas alone, or travel to one of your children and spend it with family.
No, Ms. Narc Employee, I will not do this work for you.
Well, can you squeeze it in later this week?
No, I will not do this for you any more, but I will be happy to go with you to the supervisor to see if we can reassign some of your work load- of course that will mean a pay cut for you since you won't be doing as much work. (at which point, you need to negotiate a higher salary for doing more work than the Narc, because you are doing your work and hers, too.)
No, Mr. Narc Boss, I can't stay late tonight.
What about tomorrow night?
Now, Sir, I cannot stay late anymore, unless I get paid over time. And I will need to speak to (the boss's supervisor) and HR, to insure I get that paid overtime, before I work extra anymore.
Narc's will NEVER behave like a Normal, so you must learn to find different ways of interacting with them. These are a few of the techniques we use, Dr. Bernstein offers more in his book.
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