Forgiveness & Absolution- Not the Same

We had a discussion recently about the need to forgive narcs in our heart, but not when they half heatedly ask for forgiveness of some wrong they've done. It forced us to really think and differentiate between Forgiveness and Absolution or Accountability.

Normals, will feel shame and guilt and want to seek forgiveness of someone. Normals are humble; they accept and acknowledge their role in the disagreement; they don't dismiss their mistakes or try to lessen their transgressions. Normals don't make an issue of the other person's transgressions (dodge responsibility), because they are repentant. Normals know they did wrong, and it doesn't matter what triggered it; it was wrong, and they want to acknowledge they were wrong. Normals acknowldege that they feel horrible at how they made the other person feel.

Narcs, on the other hand, have no compassion, so they never acknowledge how badly they make other people feel. They feel no remorse for the harm they cause, on the contrary, they try to blame the other person for causing them to make their mistake. They do try to lessen the severity of their transgressions by putting the blame on someone else. They are rarely repentant.

However, some narcs have learned that if they ask for forgiveness, it accomplishes all that they want: absolution for their mistake and they don't have change one iota to receive that absolution. They don't have to feel the guilt or remorse and with a few select words their mistake disappears. They can utter a few words the the Accountability for their actions disappears.

I've advised folks to NOT forgive a narc in that type of situation, since that will enable that narc to make the same mistake over and over and over again. Without that guilt, to firmly plant the 'wrongness' of an action into our brains, we won't learn to stop those behaviors- but especially a narc.
And a friend reminded us of the true nature of forgiveness. That it is the act of letting go hurts, regardless if the offender has made amends or acknowledged their role in the transgression. It is in the hands of God to determine the justice, and that is not forgiveness. That Christ was our attonement, and we should forgive without question and without reservations.

When it comes to narcs, they don't really want Forgiveness, they want to Not Be Held Accountable for their actions; they want absolution. Confusing and contrived semantics, we know, but with narcs that very thin line of distinction is there.

Narcs will demand absolution without repenting. They want their sins to be magically whisked away each and every time, so they DON'T have to change, or feel guilt or shame or think about others first, or behave as Christ directed (love your neighbor as yourself).

Survivors and Accomadators of Narcs, MUST forgive them, because truly they don't know what they are doing; and our sanity and survival depend on the release of hurts that forgiveness brings to our hearts..

Narcs have discovered that the Ways of Evil are so much easier and successful at getting what they want; but they aren't consciously evil. That conundrum will drive Accomodators and Survivors crazy without that Forgiveness towards Narcs. Forgiveness offers Surviors the release of pain and suffering, otherwise they go crazy in a variety of ways: addictions and unhealthy compulsions, or they committ suicide whether that is physical, emotional or spiritual.

Forgiveness is a Spiritual Matter; intangible, a matter of faith. Accountability- or more succinctly Absolution -is Physical, and Tangible: the part where the offender must acknowledge what they did was wrong and regret their actions, then make ammends for the harm they caused.

For a narc, the most grievious, deadly sin is to admit they were wrong, and make ammends for their mistake. Accountablilty is a Narc's Kryptonite.

We had to learn the subtle differences between Forgiveness and Absolution; and with the narcs in our life: NEVER confuse the two. We must forgive narcs in our heart; it saved our sanity.

That is one of those boundaries we discuss: decide at what point you will be willing to offer Absolution to a narc, without their true repentance. What transgressions can you forgive and offer aboslution towards, with NO REPENTANCE from the narc, and they will most likely blame you for the transgression.

Which mountain are you willing to die on; which issue is worth the battle? Find those issues, and draw that line in the sand. And be firm: no absolution without repentance... and with time and persistance and tenacity, the narc will learn that one boundary.