Another way to prevent anything from Disrupting the Delusion is to Deflect Blame.
Narcs are gifted in finding ways to Deflect Blame onto: the person confronting them, a pre-ordained scapegoat or whipping boy, the universe, fate, Destiny.
If a boss confronts an employee: "You didn’t get those spread sheets done for me!"
The Narc Replies, "You never gave me the numbers."
"I sent them in email, or left them on your desk, or I had someone else deliver them."
"Well I never got them. If they were that important, you should have handed them to me personally."
Notice how this elevates the Narc’s own status by Diminishing the Boss to that of a Messenger. And, the Boss cannot refute the assessment, because it maintains a certain logic. Narcs are masters of finding these little bits of logic and exploiting them to control the people around them.
Free Lance or Contract Instructor (laborer): "I never received my pay check for the last 3 classes I taught here."
Narc Program Director: "Well, you didn’t stop by my office to sign the ‘class enrollment sheets’ or you didn’t give the signed enrollment sheets to me."
Instructor: " How can I do that? You are never in your office!"
Narc: "That is not the attitude I accept from all of my other Instructors! I’m a Director and I have duties that don’t let me hide in my office. It is not my responsibility to make certain you do all that is necessary for me to get a paycheck to you."
Translation: I lost the paperwork, or not paying you let me hide my accounting error that would have overdrawn our bank account, or, who are you and why are you here?
Another type of Deflection: a Narc will accuse Normals of doing something, that the Narc has done themself. It is a means of Deflecting their own guilt over an action onto the Normal, so the Narc doesn’t have to deal with their own guilt.
In one marriage we are familiar with, the Narc wife will accuse the Normal husband of over spending, when the Narc spends ten times as much as the Normal.
In another relationship, the Narc Parent will accuse the Normal Teen of staying out too late, when the parent spends every night at a bar, coming home well past midnight. No, the Narc is not home to see when the Teen gets home, but they deflect their own guilt onto the Teen.
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And it's amazing how in being masters of projection, they can never seem to come up with an original accusation: it's always a charge leveled against them from a previous conflict.
ReplyDeleteThat is why their deflections work so well. It is a type of bait and switch- where they continue with the conflict at hand, but then reverse the accusations onto the Normal... which keeps the Normal off balance trying to find the logic for the reversed accusation, OR, where did they make the mistake to cause this conflict.
ReplyDeleteThat is one thing Normals must learn when dealing with Narcs: keep your emotions in check. When a Noraml looses their temper, the Narc will remain in control of the conversation.